The Comical Road to Justice
by ShoRah69
Summary: Lei must go to Europe to catch the evil Feng. Steve and Asuka are doing...stuff. And Lee is there 'cause I didn't know who else to include. Rich with crude humor, pop-culture references, and Paul Phoenix as agent Cody Banks...or was it 007?... Anyways, this is my first fanfiction. Please criticize as much as you want. (Previously titled "Road to Feng").
1. Chapter 1 - The Plea

"You don't understand Lei. I've got 99 problems, and Feng is 97 of them," wailed the 45 year old, 6 ft tall chubby and hairy Chief of Police, Mr. Hardon.

"Oh? And what are the other 2?" asked Lei with complete boredom.

"Oh, well, the ice machine is broken and it turns out I have syphilis. But that's besides the point. Why don't you wanna catch this angry-eyebrows looking bastard anymore? I thought you were obsessed with bringing his ugly anus down." said Mr. Hardon impatiently.

"I was. But I'm tired boss. I've been chasing this guy for longer than I can remember. I even skipped my vacation just to go after his lovely ass. But now I'm just plain exhausted. Seriously now, you can't possibly expect me to go to somewhere in Europe in the hopes of me running into him. Believe me, Europe has good police forces. They can handle it."

"Lei, please. I'm begging you! We are in a shitty situation right now. Ever since that teenage dream Kazama took control of the Zaibuddah and started feuding with his teenage dream of a father, our station hasn't been getting much funding. We need this Lei. We need to get the spotlight back on us! And who better to get it back than the Jackie Chan of this fighting game franchise? Come on Jackie, I know you can't resist fighting crime in the name of Justice or whatever," pleaded the Chief.

"Alright, 1) I don't know who that is. 2) I'm not just gonna drop everything to fly however many thousand miles just to catch a guy that'll be caught soon anyways and 3) We can get money from other means, like hosting fundraisers or something." Lei was about ready to leave this conversation.

"Lei, for the love of all the spoiled white kids in America, please, do this! Fundraising events won't help us now! This is what we need! Please! Please do this Lei!" Mr. Hardon got down on his knees and started begging to Lei's astonishment. "I'll do anything! I'll...I'll help you cook meth when you get diagnosed with cancer. I'll get you a 15% discount on a Korean male prostitute. When you're away on missions, I'll make sure your wife doesn't have coitus with your insanely dreamy Latino gardener. " before Lei could say something to his now needing-to-be-checked-in-to-an-insane-asylum boss, Mr. Hardon started speaking again. "I'll...I'll suck your little Wulong! Is that what you want Lei? For you to blast your hot asian soy sauce all in my mouth? Do it! Come on! I have a large mouth! I can take it!"

While Mr. Hardon was pointing at his mouth (which was indeed large), Lei was having a million different thoughts racing through his mind. _How the hell did he know I was into Korean male prostitutes?_

Finally, Lei gave in. "Okay, boss," Lei said in the same tone as when he first found out that there was going to be yet another _Transformers_ sequel. "You win. But, when our station becomes prosperous again, I demand a raise! Oh, and uh...I also demand that you never display that...well...whatever the hell it was you just displayed." Lei said, still shaken.

"YES! You got it brother! Man, thank you thank you thank you! If you ever want to experiment with the same sex - " Lei cut him off. "What the hell did I just say?!"

"Oh, right. Sorry hehe."

And with that, Lei was out of the room and ready to go home and drink this conversation away. And to fire his gardener.


	2. Chapter 2 - Message for your brother

"Oh man, this feels soooo good. God Asuka, this is probably the best non-illegal gift ever."

"Yes you've said that already Steve. Like, 20 times already. Seriously, can you finish up now? I have to go."

"Wait, let me just see how much deeper I can go."

"Steve, come on already! You've been doing this for almost 10 minutes!"

"Geez, alright alright. Here, I'm pulling out. You happy?"

"Finally. God, I wish I wasn't such a nice person."

"Uh...Asuka. We might have a problem."

"What? What do you mean we might have a problem?"

"I mean I'm stuck."

"Stuck? STUCK?! How in hell does one get stuck doing that!?"

"I don't know woman! You tell me! Jesus, the hell do I do now?"

"Steve, let me get this straight... You actually, legitimately, seriously got your whole entire arm stuck in bubble wrap?"

"Yes!" Steve stood up to reveal most of his left arm stuck inside layers of bubble wrap. "Damn, the fuck does this even happen?! Like, this just went from being my favorite hobby to my most hated one."

"What? It's not that bad. Can't you drive with one hand?"

"One ha - ... Asuka, look at me. My hand is stuck in 7 layers of bubble wrap and I'm wearing a tie-dye shirt. I look like I'm ready to do battle with the most flamboyant dragon that ever flew!"

"Okay! Okay. Gosh, did nobody ever tell you about a little invention called scissors? I'll go get some."

"Thank you." Steve sat down, trying to gather himself. "God, I swear, this is more embarrassing than that time I was surfing 4chan and my entire computer froze. I still remember that freaked out tech guy. 'Sir, why is there a picture of Shrek fucking Princess Peach on your monitor?' Man, I'll never forget that day..."

...(meanwhile)...

A $45 vase from Ikea. An $800 leather sofa. And a custom made painting of the famous nude-drawing scene from the Titanic, except King is drawing a nude Craig Marduk. Cost him $2000 for this one. And now, they were all in flames. Everything he loved in this office of his in Germany. All in flames.

Lee painfully looked up at the shirtless, macho monstrous figure with the freaky eyebrows.

"Well, you really like playing rough, don't you sunshine." smirked Lee, trying his best to ignore the pain throughout his whole body.

"Hmph. You really are all talk and no show. Look at you. No wonder I beat you so easily. Your muscles are only half as big as mine." said the evil Feng, flexing what Lee thought were water balloons.

"Okay sugar, let me tell you two things. 1) I may not be as buff as you, but that doesn't mean that I can't dominate your ass. Yes, I mean sexually as well. And 2) You only beat me 'cause you got the jump on me. And you didn't even beat me the way I like to be beaten! Seriously, 50 Shades of Bullshit had better BDSM!"

"Shut your mouth vermin!" Feng stomped his massive foot on Lees chest.

Lee screamed out blood, much of which fell on Fengs Jordans.

"Did you...Did you just cough blood on my fucking Jordans!?" Feng was 10x more furious now, grabbing Lee's smooth silver hair and pulling him up to his feet. "You silvered hair, flamboyant, leather-fetish having shitty excuse for a man!" Feng threw Lee on top of his broken desk. "I'll let you live for now. Wanna know why? Cause I need you to deliver a message to your brother. Tell him I'm coming for him. And eventually his son too. Not because they're destroying our world you see. But because I simply want to show everyone that THEY shouldn't be the center of attention. No, it should be me! I AM THE STRONGEST!" and with that, Feng leaped out of Lee's window, landed on a taxi cab which was being driven by Ganryu, threw his fatass outta the cab, and drove off in it.


	3. Chapter 3 - Look who we have here

Lei finally arrived at the airport, flirted with a few men, and was now outside looking for a cab. He only had one suitcase, mostly filled with clothes, some money, and the film "Love Actually."

"Shit, it's 90 degrees out here and I can't see a cab in site! I'm at the freaking airport for Kami's sake! This place is supposed to be crawling with taxis like Eddy's house is crawling with the scent of weed and depression."

Then a Taxi did roll up. "Well, it's about time. Thanks for stopping ma-" Lei was shocked when he looked at the Taxi Driver. It was Paul Phoenix. And he was dressed like Robert De' Niro from Taxi Driver.

"Where can I take you sir?" asked the macho man with the crazy spiked hair, not even looking up to see his customer.

"Paul? Paul Phoenix!? What the hell are you doing here!? And why are you driving a cab?"

Paul then looked up, and immediately his face turned into the face you make when your partner accidentally sticks it in your rear. "Wh-What are you talking about? I-I don't even know who that guy is. But he sure sounds handsome," said Paul, trying to keep his composure.

"Cut the crap man! I wouldn't forget your face anywhere. You and that asshole bud of yours Marshall Law still owe me a new bike!"

...Back flash...

"Where the hell is he? How long does it take to take a piss?" asked Marshall Law impatiently, standing outside of the convenient store. But suddenly he heard a loud crash beside him. Paul Phoenix just smashed through the store window.

"What the fuck! What the hell are you doing! Why does this always happen!" This was the 3rd time Paul had smashed through a window this month.

"I'm sorry man. It's not my fault this time. Honest!" exclaimed Paul, dusting himself off.

Before Law could yell at Paul some more, the owner of the shop came out, yielding a shotgun. "You American shit! I kill you!"

Paul and Law started running for their lives.

"Just what the hell happened!" screamed Law, feeling both the rage of a thousand suns and the fear of a thousand squirrels as winter approached and there weren't enough nuts.

"I-I just finished taking my shit. I was washing my hands but the sink wouldn't turn off. So I pressed down on the handle a bit too hard and-and it broke!"

"Are you fucking kidding me?! We're running for our lives because you broke a fucking sink?! Imma kill you Paul! IMMA KILL YOU!"

Paul was starting to think that he should run away from Law as well, but from the corner of his eye he saw something.

"There! A tandem bike! Get on!"

"You crazy!? I'm already in trouble with the law for passing horse meat as Kobe beef!"

"No time! Get on now!"

They jumped on the bike and started pedaling for their lives. From the tea shop up ahead of them, Lei heard this commotion and turned around only to see Paul Phoenix and Marshall Law on his bike, going about 50 mph.

"Wait...What the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK! Why are you two on my bike!?"

Both Law and Paul froze when they saw Lei. And then started pedaling again.

"I'M SO SORRY I'M SO SORRY I'M SO SORRY!" Paul shouted, as if he was in front of God asking to be spared from eternal damnation.

Law however didn't have his eyes closed. He simply looked at Lei and started crying.

The tears flew into Lei's eyes, causing him to stumble backwards, allowing the two men to escape.

...Back to the present...

Paul was sweating now. Lei opened the passenger door, sat down, and started talking to Paul in a voice that would have made Ogre shit himself.

"How's this Paul? I'm here for some business. I'm going to be travelling around quite a bit. Why don't you be my driver. Free of charge. Sound good?"

Paul was starting to think about opening his door and running away. Maybe a bus would hit him and he'd die. But he immediately shook off that thought. Miracles like that never happen.

"O-Okay. Su-Sure thing. G-Get in."

Lei smiled, placed his luggage in the back seat, and they took off.


End file.
